I wish people could understand. The more you talk about abuse, to me, makes me feel better.
Some people say I'm dwelling on it. Well, first off, getting him out of my life, just happened.
Second off, people heal in different ways. I have seen and heard about people who don't talk to anyone, and they have major anxiety issues, alcohol issues, and aren't coping, and I feel that the more you talk about it, the better you're off. I feel so much better today because of talking about it then I have all along.
I made some headway. I went to Church today, something I haven't been allowed to do in 2 years.
I talked to the pastor, and I have now got a ride to court, and he's also helping me with food, clothes and maybe a supporter to sit with me in court. This really concerned me because I'm low on funds. I don't drive, and just being on a bus with people I don't know is scary right now. I'm not ready for that.
Court is in 4 days, and I wish I didn't have to see him again. Or hear his voice. I am totally dreading this aspect, but it IS for the good. I'm not sure what will go down. I kept having this fear that he would bring a female with him, one final slap in my face. I want to just get away from this nightmare. My advocate actually told me I'm allowing this man to still take over my emotions. I'm getting better at this.
I have to admit, I have fumbled. I have contacted him myself. I won't allow myself to do it again.
I was talking to his ex-wife, and the things in which she told me, freaked me out. About his admittance to cheating.. Things that she told he said.
I didn't get a response back, which is a great thing. I asked her why, after she has a great life now, without him, why contact? You've got a brand new start, a great marriage and kids to care for. She agreed. She was wrong.
The pain is going away quicker and quicker. Yeah I went to church and talked about it, and of course, started bawling, but once I got home and thought about it, I relaxed and just going there, was beyond heaven. Knowing I'm cared for and prayed about, is wow to me.
If anyone needs help, please get out, it's not worth it. Go to a Church, go to a shelter. Don't stay in it or keep going back, like me. It just gets worse and worse. Please know there are people who care, and you're not alone. At all. I have gotten contacted numerous times since I have came out, and there's millions of women who have gone thru it, who live it everyday, and who will in the future get with abusers. Women and men deserve to be treated with respect and love and being cared for. Not being abused in any way.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
So, I met Jim thru a mutual friend 4 years ago, and things were pretty good, at first. And, I moved in with him way too soon, but I was madly in love with him. He would surprise me with things. He would come home for his lunches, and spend time with me, making me laugh, A couple months into our relationship, things changed. He started taking to this girl named Jessie, whom he had had flings with in the past, right before me. I told him one night that it made me uncomfortable that were continuing to talk. He just ignored me, told me that she and him were really good friends, and she invited us to a party. I declined, at first and said no, I wasn't interested, then I finally relented and went.
When we got there, I was ignored. Totally. She and him and another friend of her's just left me sitting there. For hours. Didn't check up at me at all. That was the first red flag, I guess.
He finally came and asked if I was ready to go, and then left off yet again, with them. So, here I was sitting on some weird-out person's couch, waiting another 30 min. Then we went home.
The relationship got better for awhile. Not long...He started begging me to have 3somes with another women, and I'm not into stuff like that. Probably asked me 50 times, and I always said no. One time Jessie called, and I just started bawling my eyes out. I took a bath and just cried..All I could do is hear him laughing it up with her and barely even speaking to me. I said something about that on that evening and he threw something, can't remember now..
Whenever her name brought up, he would throw things, yell at me, and call me names. He grabbed me once and slammed me into the wall, just for mentioning her name. This was around 6 months into our relationship. He had told me at the very start, that he hadn't been sexual with her for at least 2 years, and I found out that it was 1 month before we got together. I asked if anything happened that night, at the party, and of course, he said no. Then, out of the blue, another call from Lori, yet again another so-called past fling.
I started trusting in him, even after the lies and abuse, and decided to marry him anyway. I thought I could change him. That I was the cause of all of this. Keep in mind, I was truly in love with him and gave him my world..despite the already verbal physical and emotional abuse. When he was sweet and kind and wonderful, it was glorious, but he definitely had anger issues..He had even stopped talking about 3somes, as well and was really super towards me.
We went to California for vacation, and I was in a restaurant with him, when all of a sudden these 2 girls walk in. He couldn't stop staring at them, so I just got up and walked out. I had just married him, for God's sake. And he couldn't even focus on me. He ran after me and said I am so sorry, and started crying and said he'd do anything for me. I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. When we got back home, it wasn't long til his ex started in with paperwork from wanting child support.
We went homeless due to child support, he had them taken away due to child abuse, and of course, I believed his lies about that too. He made it out where it wasn't as bad as it was. So, here we are, barely married, living in a camper van, homeless. Around a week into driving, he suddenly says God, I miss talking with Jessie. I asked why? I'm right here. You CAN speak to me, ya know. He told me that night that Jessie gave the best blow jobs ever. Like, who says that to their newly married wife??
My self-esteem shot down. He started putting me down even more . I got called Biatch almost constantly. Every time I tried to talk he would talk over me, interrupt. I become a shell of myself. Our camper van died in Knoxville, TN so, we stayed in an extended stay hotel for a year and a half. I applied for SSI due to epilepsy and got a $2100 back check since I had been on it before. He snagged every single bit of it. For a car, and I never got to ride in it hardly. He started isolating me from all my friends and family right as soon as we got here. Started following me to the door if I wanted to go out anywhere. Stopped going for walks with me. Didn't want to have anything to do with me. The only places I went was to the doctor. One time, I even messed with the radio, and he grabbed my arm and started twisting it, I thought he was going to break my arm, so I bit him to get him off me just to have him cursing me again.
He was rarely physical (maybe 5 in total), but the mental emotional and verbal, was so regular, it didn't even shock me anymore. I even stopped asking if he would go for walks with me. I started just doing contests online. I had no life. I sat on a bed. The same bed I'm on now. That was life for a year and a half. Literally, I was in prison.
This past July, he decided one more time to try the 3some talk, but with another man, and of course, I said no. He didn't listen. Decided to put an ad on craigslist anyway. Man came over and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I came out, both Jim and that guy were standing at the kitchen counter ready to pounce. I said.. what if I said no? Because I'm saying no. They didn't care, they followed me after I walked away. I knew if I tried to scream or fight, the physical would get even worse, so I went thru with it, crying the entire time, and I whispered to Jim I would never forgive him for this. He then says..aren't you having fun? I said no, and he didn't care. After the guy left, I told Jim you DO realize both you and that man raped me, right? I kicked Jim out that night, couldn't stand to look at him. He came up the very next morning, like nothing even happened.
Around 2 months ago, he went to get a pizza, and things were going pretty good, then all of a sudden, I decided to get up and throw some ranch dressing away from the little cups, he went around my side of the bed, and stuck his fist in my face, and threatened to hit me. Over ranch dressing .His leg was on mine and bruised it up really bad.
Everyday, I would have to walk on eggshells around him. Every week, if not sooner, he would yell at me. He was rarely nice anymore. In fact, I recently had health issues due to broken cartilage in my knees. He would help more around home, which was rare, but my first physical therapy appointment, I was in so much pain, I could hardly sit in the car. He drives to the office, and notices that you have to pay to park at the parking meter, so he starts yelling at me saying I don;t have any change and starts driving away. Me, writhing in pain asked aren't you taking me?? He says I don't know what to do. I said you could use my credit card, and park in the garage. It was $5.. My appointment went well, at least something did. He made a trip to the title loan place right after my appointment. I was still in the car, when all of a sudden, this ball thingie rolls out from under the front seat, full of quarters. He had yelled at me for 30 minutes right before my appointment saying he had NO change. I was so hurt, and he said.. you're getting mad at me for $2? I said no it's because you lied and yelled at me. He started laughing and said it's just $2! I just started crying, he didn't understand my feelings, at all.
Saturday, January 4th, 2014, Things had gone well all day, then I asked once more about his past. I could never get an honest answer EVER. I was always wondering since he's had 14 flings, if somehow I had caught something, so all I did was ask 1 simple question. Are you SURE you've told everything about your past? He couldn't stop saying shut up you F-ing B, over and over. I had had enough. I called 911, and unfortunately, hung up on em because I couldn't get Jim to stop yelling for anything. I tried again a few minutes later, and the police came out. They didn't arrest him, but escorted him out. I went to the Justice Center a few days later and put in a no-contact order. I was asked by my advocate a series of questions, and turns out that my abuse was in the "high" category. She said that if I would not have called 911 or if I ever went back, things could turn really bad, even deadly. .
I'm missing some parts here, I could on and on.. I can't believe that I actually miss him. He has twisted my mind so much, it's not even funny. He's done more than just this.
How I can even think about this awful man, is beyond me. He mooched of me, where I had nothing left. Kept quitting jobs, so I would have to pay for everything, when he left me with no clothes, nobody to talk, no friends or family. But, whenever he needed something, I would always get it. Or he would use my credit card. This man owes me over $8000, but got upset because I needed money for rent, and took $500 from his account. What did I ever I see in this man? He tortured me. He was extremely rough with me. yelled at me, called me names, but yet, I kept trying. I was never good enough.
When we got there, I was ignored. Totally. She and him and another friend of her's just left me sitting there. For hours. Didn't check up at me at all. That was the first red flag, I guess.
He finally came and asked if I was ready to go, and then left off yet again, with them. So, here I was sitting on some weird-out person's couch, waiting another 30 min. Then we went home.
The relationship got better for awhile. Not long...He started begging me to have 3somes with another women, and I'm not into stuff like that. Probably asked me 50 times, and I always said no. One time Jessie called, and I just started bawling my eyes out. I took a bath and just cried..All I could do is hear him laughing it up with her and barely even speaking to me. I said something about that on that evening and he threw something, can't remember now..
Whenever her name brought up, he would throw things, yell at me, and call me names. He grabbed me once and slammed me into the wall, just for mentioning her name. This was around 6 months into our relationship. He had told me at the very start, that he hadn't been sexual with her for at least 2 years, and I found out that it was 1 month before we got together. I asked if anything happened that night, at the party, and of course, he said no. Then, out of the blue, another call from Lori, yet again another so-called past fling.
I started trusting in him, even after the lies and abuse, and decided to marry him anyway. I thought I could change him. That I was the cause of all of this. Keep in mind, I was truly in love with him and gave him my world..despite the already verbal physical and emotional abuse. When he was sweet and kind and wonderful, it was glorious, but he definitely had anger issues..He had even stopped talking about 3somes, as well and was really super towards me.
We went to California for vacation, and I was in a restaurant with him, when all of a sudden these 2 girls walk in. He couldn't stop staring at them, so I just got up and walked out. I had just married him, for God's sake. And he couldn't even focus on me. He ran after me and said I am so sorry, and started crying and said he'd do anything for me. I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. When we got back home, it wasn't long til his ex started in with paperwork from wanting child support.
We went homeless due to child support, he had them taken away due to child abuse, and of course, I believed his lies about that too. He made it out where it wasn't as bad as it was. So, here we are, barely married, living in a camper van, homeless. Around a week into driving, he suddenly says God, I miss talking with Jessie. I asked why? I'm right here. You CAN speak to me, ya know. He told me that night that Jessie gave the best blow jobs ever. Like, who says that to their newly married wife??
My self-esteem shot down. He started putting me down even more . I got called Biatch almost constantly. Every time I tried to talk he would talk over me, interrupt. I become a shell of myself. Our camper van died in Knoxville, TN so, we stayed in an extended stay hotel for a year and a half. I applied for SSI due to epilepsy and got a $2100 back check since I had been on it before. He snagged every single bit of it. For a car, and I never got to ride in it hardly. He started isolating me from all my friends and family right as soon as we got here. Started following me to the door if I wanted to go out anywhere. Stopped going for walks with me. Didn't want to have anything to do with me. The only places I went was to the doctor. One time, I even messed with the radio, and he grabbed my arm and started twisting it, I thought he was going to break my arm, so I bit him to get him off me just to have him cursing me again.
He was rarely physical (maybe 5 in total), but the mental emotional and verbal, was so regular, it didn't even shock me anymore. I even stopped asking if he would go for walks with me. I started just doing contests online. I had no life. I sat on a bed. The same bed I'm on now. That was life for a year and a half. Literally, I was in prison.
This past July, he decided one more time to try the 3some talk, but with another man, and of course, I said no. He didn't listen. Decided to put an ad on craigslist anyway. Man came over and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I came out, both Jim and that guy were standing at the kitchen counter ready to pounce. I said.. what if I said no? Because I'm saying no. They didn't care, they followed me after I walked away. I knew if I tried to scream or fight, the physical would get even worse, so I went thru with it, crying the entire time, and I whispered to Jim I would never forgive him for this. He then says..aren't you having fun? I said no, and he didn't care. After the guy left, I told Jim you DO realize both you and that man raped me, right? I kicked Jim out that night, couldn't stand to look at him. He came up the very next morning, like nothing even happened.
Around 2 months ago, he went to get a pizza, and things were going pretty good, then all of a sudden, I decided to get up and throw some ranch dressing away from the little cups, he went around my side of the bed, and stuck his fist in my face, and threatened to hit me. Over ranch dressing .His leg was on mine and bruised it up really bad.
Everyday, I would have to walk on eggshells around him. Every week, if not sooner, he would yell at me. He was rarely nice anymore. In fact, I recently had health issues due to broken cartilage in my knees. He would help more around home, which was rare, but my first physical therapy appointment, I was in so much pain, I could hardly sit in the car. He drives to the office, and notices that you have to pay to park at the parking meter, so he starts yelling at me saying I don;t have any change and starts driving away. Me, writhing in pain asked aren't you taking me?? He says I don't know what to do. I said you could use my credit card, and park in the garage. It was $5.. My appointment went well, at least something did. He made a trip to the title loan place right after my appointment. I was still in the car, when all of a sudden, this ball thingie rolls out from under the front seat, full of quarters. He had yelled at me for 30 minutes right before my appointment saying he had NO change. I was so hurt, and he said.. you're getting mad at me for $2? I said no it's because you lied and yelled at me. He started laughing and said it's just $2! I just started crying, he didn't understand my feelings, at all.
Saturday, January 4th, 2014, Things had gone well all day, then I asked once more about his past. I could never get an honest answer EVER. I was always wondering since he's had 14 flings, if somehow I had caught something, so all I did was ask 1 simple question. Are you SURE you've told everything about your past? He couldn't stop saying shut up you F-ing B, over and over. I had had enough. I called 911, and unfortunately, hung up on em because I couldn't get Jim to stop yelling for anything. I tried again a few minutes later, and the police came out. They didn't arrest him, but escorted him out. I went to the Justice Center a few days later and put in a no-contact order. I was asked by my advocate a series of questions, and turns out that my abuse was in the "high" category. She said that if I would not have called 911 or if I ever went back, things could turn really bad, even deadly. .
I'm missing some parts here, I could on and on.. I can't believe that I actually miss him. He has twisted my mind so much, it's not even funny. He's done more than just this.
How I can even think about this awful man, is beyond me. He mooched of me, where I had nothing left. Kept quitting jobs, so I would have to pay for everything, when he left me with no clothes, nobody to talk, no friends or family. But, whenever he needed something, I would always get it. Or he would use my credit card. This man owes me over $8000, but got upset because I needed money for rent, and took $500 from his account. What did I ever I see in this man? He tortured me. He was extremely rough with me. yelled at me, called me names, but yet, I kept trying. I was never good enough.
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